Personal Boundaries and Self Worth
Reading Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 and Part 7 is useful to understand the overall idea
An utterly crucial aspect of your mindset and life satisfaction is your regulation of personal boundaries. I’ve covered this already, but it is such a crucial area I think it justifies further exploration.
To be too vigilant is to restrict living, to be porous is to invite chaos. A balance is needed.
Now – a castle with an open door is great. When you want to welcome people into your life. Otherwise, it is a gaping hole in your self regulation, allowing people to enter at will and do as they please – and they will when they’re allowed to. Even people you think wouldn’t, will test you for weakness and use you if they can. And it is your role as crown wearer, of castle ruler, not to allow that to happen.
But being social creatures who can be adversely affected by lack of human contact, from a physiological and mental health standpoint, being able to socialise is a key part of the human experience. So, please have a door on your castle. And be mindful of who you let in, while having no qualms about who you kick out.
With age, we become acclimatised to various personality types. It is our judgement and intuition that dictate those people we allow to be in our lives when we have strong boundaries. Having strong boundaries means you will not tolerate unreasonable behaviour from the gamut of possibilities; ranging from jealous people to disrespect, to more overt actions that are mini declarations of war on your castle.
You have and will encounter many types of people in life, but how you deal with them is entirely on you to decide and learn. Operating from a strong base, with values, principles and virtues, with self respect, you enable your self to regulate how people treat you and how you react.
How are your boundaries?
Being unable to say no is the stereotypical example of a weak boundary, of feeble castle walls, of an inability to self regulate.
Or feeling that you have to answer every call and text immediately.
If people can waltz into your castle unchallenged, there are no guards in place. It’s like welcoming a burglar into your home, knowing they intend to rob you (and can feed into self sabotaging behaviour).
The castle doesn’t need to be a cold dreary place, or impenetrable either, or overly protective, the point isn’t to create an Alcatraz, because overzealous security systems leads to wasted resources and problems – and no one can truly get in in a healthy way. And policing with unreasonable attention and focus leads to a totalitarian kingdom that doesn’t like its self let alone anyone else.
A metaphorical Alcatraz, a monastery carved into a Himalayan mountainside – those may be ideal when we need space four ourselves, but is not a full time policy that will reap benefits unless the hermit life is what you think you would like (which I did once upon a time, until I realised the joy of socialising and exchanging ideas and experiences are critical to enjoyment of life).
Strong boundaries dictate that you will act in your own interests and will not be unreasonably pushed or harassed in any situation once you reach that stage.
People like to influence and some like to play with people’s minds. If there was to be a forensic examination of your mind, your castle, make sure your fingerprints make up most of the prints found.
Castle Coaching life coaching and personal development works on strengthening boundaries for all clients, starting with an assessment of the walls to see where they’re at. This pays dividends in terms of self confidence, reducing anxiety and boosting self esteem. Ultimately, self acceptance can not be reached unless boundaries are in place, in the right place.